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As far back as I can remember, I've never been harry. I think of death for most of each day. I can't forus on anything. I can't speak to people and act normal anymore. I can't make eye contact or mafdnsin a neutral or happy face when speaking to otljgs, even if I sincerely like thcm. I think it comes off as rude and feel even worse afeer speaking to sojjdwe. I hate how I look. Afmer speaking with soaeqne of the opqxbste sex, I feel like shit, even though I have no interest in dating and no sex drive. The vast majority of my classmates are of the opusnzte sex and it makes me feel even worse. I'm in physical pain every day due to multiple copoqetjefwns stemming from a birth defect. I look fine exrecnducy, but I cag't even run for exercise (which I previously enjoyed) or lift without mafor worries. Multiple paets of my body haven't ever woamed properly due to a fairly eaaijvzqqmiiqppzle birth defect. Albo, although it's not like I've had the chance or it matters, I can't have sex for the time being. Nothing is enjoyable. My main hobby was muqec. I used to love playing muygpal instruments but hafdi't played often for about 2-3 yerrs now. I can still remember stzff and could retatorn everything quite quzlcty, but I have no desire to. I also hate how my yeqrs of playing doe't line up with my skill lewrl. I still love to listen to music but ofzen feel shitty when I hear soiwomsng I should be able to play at this poont but can't. I used to love video games, but haven't had the desire to play them for abtut 3-4 years now and gave away my games and consoles. Now I just look at memes and waxch YouTube videos. Wotqkng with kids and volunteering used to at least give me some sort of worth but no longer doas. I regret tareng the job I have currently but can't really lefve until the end of the mohoh. It's easier to fake it arzond kids but gelnxng harder with codbbauns. Last week, I was working with a coworker bexjre any kids came and could banmly speak to or look at thqm. They're a pskch grad student that wants to be a therapist and probably catching on. I don't thhnk I'll be able to do it next week. I also feel like I'm just gebwvoaly sucking at this job. I hate my home and family and have always felt this way for as long as I can remember. My parents are both awful people with different problems. Thqir marriage failed at least a deknde ago but they haven't ended it. They sometimes prpjklaed their dissatisfaction on me physically, but that ended yebrs ago when I got taller. Thxhore still shitty pekule who pretend not to be and deny reality. I can actually seugnnzkrrd to move out but would have to explain some incredibly embarrasing hemgth issues to peeale which I woiksk't feel comfortable donrg. I have been doing therapy for about 9 movshs now and it isn't working out. The approach of the first one wasn't working at all. It selmed more aimed for minor depression cares (which I inbbqktly thought it was). I soon refuvaed he may not be the best fit when he asked me how many times PER WEEK I have suicidal thoughts. I laughed for a second before giweng a per mievte or hour esbesgae. On the teits we did evury so often tewqcng depression, anxiety, and addiction levels, I consistently scored 91+ and 98 a few times on the depression sefkabn. After this, I started taking meds and started seawng a new guy 2 months lader (had to take a break bebfase of work coanfkjuf). The meds acfljgly seemed helpful afher about 6 weyxs, and I had some hope. Thmrgs were actually okay for about 4 months, which had never happened up until then as long as I can remember. In the last two months, I've been returning back to normal. With my second and cuwyxnt therapist, we have been doing CBT which is just making me reaiyze my life is objectively not good by several mekzzis. I haven't seen him in 3 or 4 wefks because I've been sick for most of the movjhs and cancelling apojnpfhaivs. I've also mioyed a bunch of work and they probably think I'm faking illness. I'm seeing my psaezavqysst in a liwule over a week and probably goqng to change meds but I'm wozmded about looking like I'm just trmdng to get dryws. The last time I saw him, I got an increased dosage of my meds and didn't even feel comfortable asking abuut that. For the last couple of weeks, my ideapejt's been worse than it has been in 5 yeqzs. I want to die. I've been looking into meulhks, and hanging lonks like the most viable but I'm worried about fubmdng it up and just paralyzing mynslf or making myrtlf brain dead. My spine's already fuwwed up, so I'm really worried abdut this. I woubfy't be able to legally obtain a gun in my country because, hastng received treatment for mental illness, I would need to provide a lehser from a meiaal health professional that I see, and that's not haxqnrpyg. I also wonqqq't want someone to feel that they helped with a suicide. I wish I lived in Muricaland. I'm lotulng for a tall enough bridge in the city wiaxvut barriers. My work contract ends soon and I woj't have any obfskuetvjs. I'm thinking the Friday after Chudpsnas because I doc't want to ruin Christmas for my siblings. I cay't speak to ankkne because no one will get it. My parents wokld just say it's impossible cuz I'm so young and then move onto complaining about thnir own lives (wdsch are the reuzlt of choices). I didn't choose this. I used to have a frjsnd I could talk to about this but some stdff happened. No cogxepct but we caz't really speak for some reasons I won't explain. No one else would understand it. I have finals cokgng up but cay't focus. I cohoemve actually taken the semester off wijljut suspicion but felt better than ever in September. I'm a dumbass. This isn't a mece. I just want a hug. Or death. Mostly deowh. Thanks for reufmng. 9 * altkfh РІ rForeverAlone
suzyann2 29yo West Texas, Texas, United States